Liam's Second Birthday

'Twas a grim affair.

First, Liam announced he had crowned himself dictator of the world and that he would personally see to it that baby bottle production increased 1000% by 2012

He then proceeded to unveil a secret torture device he planned to use on anyone who tried to stop his nefarious plan from unfolding according to plan.

Briar then revealed her role as Liam's primary advisor, announcing wildly to the room: "I'll get you, my pretties. And your little dogs too." She added that some of Liam's bottle factory profits would be used for candy purchases to help feed her insatiable sweet tooth.

The crowd listened in silence, overwhelmed by hopeless despair.

One young woman fought back tears as she contemplated spending the rest of her once-promising life fitting rubber nipples onto bottles in a dark factory. She had once dreamed of becoming a fashion designer.

In a desperate attempt to save her from a lifetime of bottle-factory slavery, Tessa, age 8, attempted to suffocate her older sister, Arielle, in a pile of birthday balloons. The bright colors provided a cruel foil to the darkness of the day's events.

Or, maybe Liam was happy and sweet and adorable (though a bit overtired) and received many lovely gifts from his adoring family members. Soren might have also received a few consolation gifts from his Auntie Collette and Grandma Hanson. And we perhaps all enjoyed cake and ice cream afterward. Liam may or may not have wrapped up the festivities by watching Adele's Rolling in the Deep with his mommy right before drifting off into a sugar-induced coma....er....afternoon nap.

Maybe.

But you might want to watch out for burly bottle factory recruiters. Just in case.