Abraham, Rachel, Soren and Liam. Our life together in Smalltown, Idaho.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I know I shouldn't, but...

My friend Nick says that sometimes he and his friend Denice will get drunk and make embarrassing confessions to each other. It'll go something like this:

Nick: Denice, I think you should know: I've always loved Wal-Mart.
Denice: Nick! Oh my God! I've always loved Wal-Mart too. But shhhhhh.....don't tell anyone. Also, now that you've shared that with me, I'm going to tell you: I love Jason Mraz.
Nick (almost moaning): I do too! I'm so ashamed!

And then they'll cry and hug.

Well, sadly, I'm not drunk, and we can't hug and cry over the internets, but I do think that I have a reached a level of intimacy with the blogosphere that I am prepared to share with you-all the List of Things I Love That I Know I Shouldn't.

So, without further ado, I shall bare for you my most shameful loves.

1. Nickelback.

I know they're a mass-marketed flash-in-the-pan pop rock group. I've tried to stop loving them, I have. But I just can't. I love Chad Kroeger's voice. I love to sing along with the lyrics. I smile at the obviously intentional irony of "Rockstar." "So Far Away" makes me feel all wistful and swoony.

So stop being haters and remember: if everyone cared, and nobody cried, everyone loved, and nobody lied, everyone shared and swallowed their pride....we'd see a day when nobody died.

2. Spreadsheets

Anyone who has ever spent any time with me at all knows that I have an unnatural passion for spreadsheets.

It's just that they bring order and harmony to the universe.

3. Wallpaper

I love the stuff. Pretty much any pattern, any style. It just makes me feel happy. But nobody else seems to get it.

4. The 70s.

Any decade that produced olive green kitchen appliances has my vote. And seriously, what's not to like about the seventies? Shag carpet, men in paisley, The Brady Bunch, seahorse bathtub decorations, Farrah Fawcett hairstyles, disco, grunge rock, full beards, platform shoes, endless amounts of brown, gold, orange, and yellow.

So much goodness packed into just ten years. Words cannot express to you how sad I am I missed it.

5. Sizzler

I know it's supposed to be for boring old people wearing elastic-waisted khaki pants and hawaiian shirts.

But, again, I can't help it. I love Sizzler. I love the green and gold swirl carpeting. I love the ceiling fans. I love the trays stamped with the Sizzler logo.

And mmm...the salad bar. The grated cheese that tastes a little bit like plastic, the perfectly cylindrical breadsticks, the frozen pizza, the chicken wings. And the soft serve ice cream dessert bar. Who knew there were so many wonderful ways to top your soft serve?

6. Hot dogs.

Yes, yes, I know. They're made of pig intestines, cow's hooves, pencil sharpener leavings, chicken's beaks, and bits of manure. These were mixed together in a dirty factory in a dark part of a crime-ridden city that reeks of putrescence and rot. They are high in saturated fat, cholesterol, and preservatives.

And yet, they're so delicious.

7. Lawn Ornaments

If it weren't for my husband, who has an overinflated sense of dignity, my lawn would be decorated with the following:

Garden gnomes, plastic flamingoes, ceramic toads, a Virgin Mary, several colorful pinwheels, and the legs of a lady wearing bloomers bending over to garden.

It's shameful, but true.


Nick Wheeler said...

Several of these things are somewhat shameful. Wallpaper, however, is TOTALLY coming back in. Also, I do not like Wal-Mart, even when drunk. But I do like Jason Mraz. OH THE SHAME!

Lara said...

I'm with you on Sizzler. What's so bad about reasonably priced steak and shrimp in quiet atmosphere?

Karen said...

Ok so I really tried to like all this stuff but it's just impossible. And also you're a little crazy, but not the bad kind so it's ok.

#1 I like spreadsheets too. I have to update spreadsheets all the time at work and I kind of like it. I'm sure I do not possess the great talent that you do in creating and manipulating them, but I wish I did. There I said it.

#2 I also really like hot dogs. And like you said, who cares if they contain a pig anus or two? If they taste delicious, what's the problem. Plus isn't it more "green" to eat all those parts instead of wasting them?

#3 I'm a little torn on the wallpaper issue. I do not by any means like ALL wallpaper. Usually I loathe it. However, there are some cute wallpaper styles coming back. I mainly don't like to use wallpaper because it's a pain to put up and especially take off!

#4 And I'm sorry, but I hate all those other things you mentioned. Especially Sizzler and lawn ornaments. And I don't know who Jason Mraz is.

JaRele said...

Oh Rachel, you are so funny! I love reading about youe little family! I have to admit that Nickelback is one of my favorites too. And I love hot dogs from costco $2 of pure bliss.

Hillary said...

I like wallpaper, although perhaps not as enthusiastically as you. Do you want to put some down here?
However, I am very glad your husband has an overinflated sense of dignity, or else I might have to go find another basement to live in.

heidi said...

No, hey, ME TOO! Wallpaper=good. I'm sure there's a more coherent way to express that, but wallpaper=good is totally summing up my feelings.

Sizzler was my dream restaurant growing up. Endless fruit! Never in season! Who cares! Fruit, fruit, and ice cream!

I'm relieved that Nick does not like Wal-Mart, even when drunk. Killer of mom & pop stores! Exploiter of the workers! Polluter! There's always a price. (As is revealed in "Food Inc." Meat is cheap 'cuz it's raised in abject misery! Tomatoes aren't truly tomatoes! Always a price when things come cheap. :D)

Never mind. Time to listen to mass market pop music.

And, I'm going to have to start rethinking lawn ornaments.

Karen said...

Scratch what I said about Sizzler. I forgot about their cheese toast. Mmmm...

Janet Latta said...

i still love ya!


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