Abraham, Rachel, Soren and Liam. Our life together in Smalltown, Idaho.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The Rest of Loriann's Rant

This is the entirety of Loriann's breastfeeding-in-public rant, published with her permission. It makes me laugh, so I thought I'd share. She did want me to note here that her work environment at the time was a bit stressful and that she doesn't swear so very much any more. :)

Sacred Boobies

an angry e-mail by Loriann

Okay, the breastfeeding articles got me a little riled up early in this morning. I would not, let me repeat, NOT fared well at BYU. I think I would have constantly been tasering people and breaking the honor code by flipping people off and having swearing fits due to the horrendoes nature of their ignorance. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE IDIOTS.

First up is the poor stupid man who is obviously in love with sacred boobs:

men are not permitted to look at or touch that exceptionally sacred part of a woman's body until we are married to her in the temple. That is why a woman should not expose that part of her even if it is just to feed her child unless absolutely necessary, unless there truly is no other option - Secret Addiction to Porn

ALSO... his BRILLIANT idea for these women with sacred boobs to go nurse in the freaking toilets of places like... burger king, the mall or the chevron. I don't know if the men's bathrooms are different than the ladies, but they are disgusting. I'm not going to squat over a nasty filthy toilet with my beautiful baby and attempt to nurse in a shit stained stink hole while some crazy person bangs on the door yelling, 'are you done yet?" My sacred boobs can sit wherever they would like to and FEED my child. You nasty nasty perv.

You should NOT expose your boobs unless absolutley necessary. Are we living in Afganistan and we should start wearing veils over ourselves. What other parts of ourselves should NEVER be exposed. This guy is insane. But I can give him a little bit of slack, because he is a man, and therefore he is stupid.

The following person however is a woman, and should have some sort of insight into women's rights, and the need to feed a hungry child. But she is however a stupid bitch. Here are my favorite exerpts from her word vomit.

The first of these questions really should be why do women want to breast-feed in public in the first place? - Yes, women love breast feeding in public. They prefer it actually. Instead of the comfort and privacy of their own homes when little junior pipes up with a hungry cry, they hop into the old minivan and drive to the busiest place in town rip their shirts off and let him suck away at their sacred boobies. Its just something that happens to a woman's brain after she has given birth... they become mad with indecency. You silly twit! A woman still has a life to tend to, she has to go grocery shopping, and clothes shopping for her other children that she might have... especially if she's a mormon since we seem to be fond of having 10 kids. When you have 10 bloody children you are busy taking them places like soccer practice and piano recitals, and tae freaking kwon doe. So in between all that junior needs to eat EVERY TWO HOURS. Chances are Mom is gonna have to feed him IN PUBLIC at some point.

(most pediatricians will back me up here) - I'm so glad that the whole of the medical community is on your side. Good job. Glad to know that pediatricians, doctors... really everyone agrees that breastfeeding is good for your baby. Welcome to the 21st century. Now why are you still living in the 18th century where you seem to be afraid of a titty?

What about having children is convenient? If you want convenience, get a cat. Geary stated that she didn't want to nurse in the restaurant bathroom because it was just "plain gross." Others consider nursing in public "plain gross." That viewpoint deserves the same level of sensitivity that publicly breast-feeding mothers ask for. - I have a question for you. When you go to the bathroom in a Burger King do you SIT on the toilet, or do you hover? Cause I've encountered a lot of hoverers who are afraid of actually letting their bare butt cheeks touching the seat of a public resrooms because they are "plain gross". And you know what happens then. You pee on the freaking seat! And that is "plain gross". Also why is it that in public restrooms EVERYTHING is WET. EVERYTHING. It looks like a DAMN hurricane just blew threw there. And very often there are DOORS MISSING FROM THE STALLS. Was someone in such a hurry to take a piss that they had to kick the door in? So even THERE you can't find PRIVACY. Even in the dirty, disgusting, soaking wet, door missing, "plain gross" bathroom, I'm sure someone would have found a way to pick on Catherine Geary and make her feel like a whorish monster.

Some things that I find others do in public as plain gross... picking their nose.... picking their butt. Chewing with their mouths open. Letting their children behave like monsters. Coughing a lung up and not covering their mouths. Making out with toungue rings. Snorgling their own snot. Sniffing your armpits. Smoking. Shitting in your own pants and then leaving your diaper in MY restroom for me to clean up. However I have NEVER been offended by a breastfeeding mother... strange.

Public breast-feeding used to be considered ill-mannered, gauche and even vulgar. - We also found it to be ill mannered to leave the house without long skirts and bonnets. It used to vulgar for women to vote or speak in public. It once was gauche for women to own land. My goodness, we have come along way you brainless twit!

Your breasts are still breasts. - My yes, our breasts are still breasts. By breastfeeding we are using them for their FUNCTIONAL purpose. I don't know what you use your breasts for, but if you haven't fed a child with them, they really are just decoration, or like party favors. Maybe you need to travel outside of america to learn the real value of FOOD.

Women used to go out of their way to plan their schedules in order to avoid the indignity of baring themselves in public, which seems like a wise solution. - The indignity? Wise solution? I am confused by these terms. Women used to not leave the house because they were housewives. They stayed with the house and cleaned for it and cooked for it. And then they realized, a house doesn't need a wife any more than a house needs a husband. I think I'll leave the bloody house and do some other things like take my child to the park, or have a part time job, OR a full time job. Or I'll be an activist for something, or I'll do anything I damn well please because once the seventies got here we all decided to be indignant and take off our bras and BURN THEM. Then we bared ourselves in public and danced around a the bra fire with glee. And that was a wise solution.... THE END.

Dearest Rachel... how did you survive with these ninnies for so long. They are absolutley horrible. I hate them so. The whole thing has got me in an uproar this morning.

4 comments:

Nick said...

LOLOLOLOLOL I'm seriously struggling to stop from laughing out loud at work... so good.

Karen said...

I agree! It completely boggles my mind that there are idiots out there like this. I can see more of a boobie on the cover of a magazine or from a chick wearing a v-neck sweater than I can a nursing mother. Give me a break. These are probably the same people that look for secret swears and evil messages in Disney movies.

Simply Mother said...

Hilarity!

heidi said...

So satisfying! "You nasty nasty perv... This guy is insane. But I can give him a little bit of slack, because he is a man, and therefore he is stupid. The following person however is a woman, and should have some sort of insight... But she is however a stupid bitch."

Satisfying.

Oh Ho! I almost forgot:

"Party favors"

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