Abraham, Rachel, Soren and Liam. Our life together in Smalltown, Idaho.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Tomorrow's Miracle

If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle had happened and your life were now exactly how you wanted it to be, what would it look like?

Last week I saw this question written on the white board in the office of one of the counselors I work with.

I've been thinking about this a lot. I guess part of the reason I was so struck by this question is that it runs counter to the psychological operation I'm trying to run in my own life, which is being happy with what I have--not making myself miserable by thinking about what I don't. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are is my motto. **

You can't go wrong with gratitude and resourcefulness, right? So is our counselor trying to make her clients miserable by teaching them to focus on what they don't have?

Maybe not. When I go into the kitchen to make something, I have an idea of what I want it to be...a cake, a casserole, a salad, a sandwich. I get out the ingredients I need for that particular kind of food and cook the item accordingly. If I went into the kitchen, pulled out a bowl, and just started randomly mixing whatever came into my hand-- a cup of flour, a cup of milk, a half an onion, a mango, dry pudding mix, a package of Ramen Noodles--the end product would probably be less-than-scrumptious. I might luck out and end up with something amazing, but more likely it would be an inedible glop.

And so it is with life. (Imagine that last sentence in a Motivational Speaker voice.) It's important to have an end in mind, even if it's a bit fuzzy, just so you don't end up mixing onions and chocolate pudding. Even if you enjoy every minute of blending the two together, you're still going to have to throw them out when you're done-- and then you will have wasted time, ingredients, and energy. I mean, at least you enjoyed it, but if you're going to cook, you might as well get to eat when you're done, eh?

I think it is key, even when identifying how things could be different, to maintain an appreciation for each moment of life. So much of life is about balance-- that "middle way"--between two extremes. Like finding a way to want/work towards good things while simultaneously choosing to enjoy the things you already have. Happiness should never be postponed for the perfect conditions.

So before I move on I do want you to know that I am keenly aware of the many good things in my life and that I am grateful for them: things like good friends, a good job, healthy children, a happy marriage. I'm blessed with parents and siblings and parents-in-law and siblings-in-law who offer us oodles of love and support. My health is good; Abe's health is good. We have plenty to eat. We live in a comfortable home. We have enough money to meet our needs and allow us to do a few extra things. We live in a place that is safe, not torn by war or violence, where we are granted freedom to choose to live as we see fit.

While I was thinking about what my "ideal life" would look like, I considered things like, "In my ideal life I would never, ever be tired." or "I would have spent three years in the peace corps after college," or "I would be married to a long-haired Brazilian sculptor babe who adores my every breath," or "The world would be healed of all cruelty, jealousy, and hatred and all people would live together in sweet communal harmony," or "I would live in a tree house in a jungle in South America."

Then I decided to go with a possible life that would exist here in the real world.

So, without further ado, here's my list:

1) I would get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights.

2) I would be passionately in love with my husband. (Which isn't to say I'm not in love with my husband...but, you know, eight years in, kids to care for, finances to worry about...the fire's just not wildly ablaze...)

3) I would have a part-time job editing and/or be the proud owner of a wind chime shop.

4) I wouldn't be afraid to write and would be happily plugging away at a novel or a collection of essays or a volume of poetry.

5) I would genuinely love all human beings, be concerned for everyone's well-being, be honestly happy for everyone else's successes, and always know the right thing to say or do to help someone feel loved.

6) I would boldly pursue more adventure.

7) Abe would have a grown-up job in a university library and a 401K with a matching plan, excellent health/dental/vision insurance, and lots of paid time off. He would be paid enough to enable us to live debt-free on a single income, donate 20% of our income to charity, put 20% in savings, and use the remaining extra to take quarterly weekend getaways and one excellent family vacation every year.

8) We would live in a beautifully decorated Victorian-style house in the country on a big plot of land. We would have a big garden, a bunch of chickens, a goat, a cow that we shared with several neighbors, a horse, a dog that didn't bark, and a barnful of cats. The house would always be relatively clean.

9) I would run five miles a day four days a week, followed by yoga with a group of friends in a renovated barn in the neighborhood. I would be physically strong and confident.

10) We would sleep in on Saturdays and eat waffles with strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast.

11) I would have time for lots of reading-- fiction, poetry, history, science, art, religion, psychology, sociology. I would learn and learn and learn.

12) Soren wouldn't be insane; Liam wouldn't be behind. They wouldn't be perfect, but they would at least respond to positive healthy discipline in the way the books say they're supposed to. They would pick up their own messes without being prompted. There would be no whining for sugary snacks between meals. I would spend just the right amount of time with them. I would always know exactly what to do in every sticky parenting situation. I might even find the strength to have another child! (One that immediately slept through the night and didn't cry much, of course.)

13) I would have finally figured out my relationship with God and be busy cultivating it daily, gaining strength and guidance from a positive connection with the divine.

14) I would take dancing classes and piano lessons and karate lessons.

15) I wouldn't worry about whether or not people liked me. I would make friends easily and interact with others confidently. I would have many close friends from a variety of backgrounds with whom I felt comfortable just stopping by to chat, or visiting with while one of us hung out laundry. We would often have dinner at each others' homes. Our children would play together happily.

16) I would make lots of homemade things, like soap and candles and cheese and granola and warm nourishing bread.

Some of these things are unrealistic-- like hoping for my children to be different from how they are. Some of them are totally doable-- like making soap and becoming more confident. And others are future but not present possibilities-- sleeping in on Saturday, running five miles a ay. But it's kind of nice to lay it out there. To smack my hands down on the table of life and say without apologies, "This is what I want." (And then add, a little more meekly-- "But I'll be happy with what I have until I can get it.")

**My sister, Collette, and I recently discovered this is a life motto we share. "Where did you get it?" she asked me when we discovered this commonality. "The scrolling marquee at Cox's Honey!" I told her, "Oh. I think I read it in the biography of Warren G. Harding," she said. And that, my friends, is the difference between me and my sister.


Natalya said...

Sounds good. It makes me want to write down all my ideal life stuff. But I don't have time (tell me where you got some from) so I'll just copy yours since they would sound pretty similar anyway!
Was it fun to write?
I was disappointed that I was the only commenter on the last few posts--I like reading the comments almost as much as the posts. Where's Heidi got herself to?
I don't know what Cox's is. But I'm guessing it't not as sophisticated as the biography of Warren G. Harding?
By the way, your new words to type in to prove that I'm not a robot is way hard for me to read. I mess up every time. It's a pain, but I guess those annoying robots aren't commenting or soliciting on your blog anymore.

heidi said...

Here I am! (Natalya--it's nice to know I'm missed!!) I feel like I always, always comment but looking back, I've missed commenting on many recent posts--especially the shorter ones. I always read and think but comment less, I guess, than I think I do... but recently I think maybe I wore myself out reflecting on and commenting on the most recent "Love Story" post. That took a lot of thought and time.

But I HAVE had every intention of commenting on this one. It is so up my alley--I just love these big Thought Pieces.

It was riveting, Rach! I found it so interesting and fun and special to hear what your perfect life/world would be like--and so human, too, to read about things like you wanting to just not give a damn what other people think of you. (You said it less pungently and more clearly than that.) I can so relate to that one. I've been thinking about this (I've been thinking about so much that you brought up here!) and I think maybe men have it easier on that front--almost all women I know seem to care a lot other people's views of them. I think maybe there's an advantage in that, though--I think it's part of why we tend to be so connected to other people? Or at least potentially a common byproduct of empathy, and the desire to connect? But anyway, I suffer from this same tendency and that's part of why I appreciate what a gracious, accepting stance you take towards your audience. I feel right at home visiting your blog and I hope my comments express my great admiration for you--and no judginess. If I ever express judginess it's unintended and indubitably about something I've not figured out in my own life, not about you. I hope my stance is consistently unconditionally supportive enough that you don't have to worry about my reactions. Cuz you know my agenda--I just want to hear MORE. And more! Anything that would make you want to say less I take back--even if other people said it. I take it back FOR them.

Anyway--I'm disappointed to not be able to say all that I've been thinking about this... but I can say that it's been so intriguing and fun and absorbing and exciting to do this little thought exercise, myself (I even involved my hubbie in it) and I think your thoughts on gratitude and inner resourcefulness were a really profound balance to the wish-fulfillment aspects.

I particularly love:
--"Happiness should never be postponed for the perfect conditions." (That really spoke to the recovering perfectionist in me.)
--The first way you would use your miracle power--SLEEP. That is great. It doesn't matter how grateful and resourceful and mindful I am--if I don't get LOADS of sleep, forget about it. Since the advent of serious sleep consistency in my life, I've become a lot more sane and cheerful and REASONABLE. I can't think or feel about anything when I'm tired.

This Miracle Thought Game was so fun to do! And so illuminating of what's missing in my life... and what's exactly right. I think that was the most surprising and instructive thing--all that I wouldn't change.

Thanks for sharing, Rach. And I loved all the pictures and how beautifully gloriously LONG this was.

Kudos, kitten! Keep it crispy. (I learned that from a silly comedy podcast I just started--Pete Holmes' You Made it Weird.)

The End.

Lara said...

I would be happy with your ideal life, too. :)

You have found a profound nugget of truth. We can't control everything. But the characters and main plot of our own personal story is very much affected by us.

And now I have realized that my life is a lot of onions and pudding mix. Onions being the internet and pudding mix being TV. Fun to make, but won't amount to anything worthwhile in the end.

Marsha Cox said...

Rachel, as always, I enjoy your blog. I look forward to every new post.
Natalya: Cox's Honey is my family's honey business. "Let us BEE your honey" and "Best in the West" are big slogans. My brother likes to post deep thoughts. I will have to ask him where he gets the insight.

Anyway, I could only add two things to my current life to make it perfect. 1)Marry Eric 2)have a baby. Life is interesting. All my choices have led me to where I am today, yet I have no specific say in how my life has turned out. I am not the only voice in when and whom I shall marry. I am not the only voice in when or if I will have a baby. I can only live my life to the fullest every day and enjoy the results.

Thanks for letting me voice my opinions and chime in on your subject!

Karen said...

Dang I totally meant comment on this post a long time ago. Seth and I always have discussions with each other about your posts the minute you post them.

Oddly enough I felt exhausted after reading your perfect life! So many things to do! But I get what you were getting at. There's never enough time in a day to do everything we want AND get lots of sleep. And even if there is, it's hard to work up all the motivation needed to DO all the things. Because doing things is hard.

Also, funny you mention the Cox's honey because we bought some the day before you wrote this post. Seth said we had to get that brand because it's the best and because it's from Shelley, dammit. AND we just happen to be in need of a new wind chime. Too bad we don't know anyone who sells them...

One last thing. I would totally make you waffles with strawberries and whipped cream this weekend. You just say when.

heidi said...

Karen-- I want waffles and strawberries and cream this weekend! So what about me? Don't I get some too?

And I'm fascinatedly trying to imagine what Seth had to say about this post. I bet it was way profound.

heidi said...

p.s. K, I forgot to say, YOU are so smart and right. Doing things IS hard.

And Nat, thanks again for wanting to hear what I think. I don't think I noticed the first time around that you liked reading the comments as much as the posts(almost). If my comments are a part of your feeling that way, that's a huge complement, since Rach's posts are so amazing!


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