Nick: Denice, I think you should know: I've always loved Wal-Mart.
Denice: Nick! Oh my God! I've always loved Wal-Mart too. But shhhhhh.....don't tell anyone. Also, now that you've shared that with me, I'm going to tell you: I love Jason Mraz.
Nick (almost moaning): I do too! I'm so ashamed!
And then they'll cry and hug.
Well, sadly, I'm not drunk, and we can't hug and cry over the internets, but I do think that I have a reached a level of intimacy with the blogosphere that I am prepared to share with you-all the List of Things I Love That I Know I Shouldn't.
So, without further ado, I shall bare for you my most shameful loves.
I know they're a mass-marketed flash-in-the-pan pop rock group. I've tried to stop loving them, I have. But I just can't. I love Chad Kroeger's voice. I love to sing along with the lyrics. I smile at the obviously intentional irony of "Rockstar." "So Far Away" makes me feel all wistful and swoony.
So stop being haters and remember: if everyone cared, and nobody cried, everyone loved, and nobody lied, everyone shared and swallowed their pride....we'd see a day when nobody died.
Anyone who has ever spent any time with me at all knows that I have an unnatural passion for spreadsheets.
It's just that they bring order and harmony to the universe.
I love the stuff. Pretty much any pattern, any style. It just makes me feel happy. But nobody else seems to get it.
4. The 70s.
Any decade that produced olive green kitchen appliances has my vote. And seriously, what's not to like about the seventies? Shag carpet, men in paisley, The Brady Bunch, seahorse bathtub decorations, Farrah Fawcett hairstyles, disco, grunge rock, full beards, platform shoes, endless amounts of brown, gold, orange, and yellow.
So much goodness packed into just ten years. Words cannot express to you how sad I am I missed it.
I know it's supposed to be for boring old people wearing elastic-waisted khaki pants and hawaiian shirts.
But, again, I can't help it. I love Sizzler. I love the green and gold swirl carpeting. I love the ceiling fans. I love the trays stamped with the Sizzler logo.
And mmm...the salad bar. The grated cheese that tastes a little bit like plastic, the perfectly cylindrical breadsticks, the frozen pizza, the chicken wings. And the soft serve ice cream dessert bar. Who knew there were so many wonderful ways to top your soft serve?
6. Hot dogs.
Yes, yes, I know. They're made of pig intestines, cow's hooves, pencil sharpener leavings, chicken's beaks, and bits of manure. These were mixed together in a dirty factory in a dark part of a crime-ridden city that reeks of putrescence and rot. They are high in saturated fat, cholesterol, and preservatives.
And yet, they're so delicious.
7. Lawn Ornaments
If it weren't for my husband, who has an overinflated sense of dignity, my lawn would be decorated with the following:
Garden gnomes, plastic flamingoes, ceramic toads, a Virgin Mary, several colorful pinwheels, and the legs of a lady wearing bloomers bending over to garden.
It's shameful, but true.